In last week’s cereal timeline, I noted that I had never eaten King Vitaman cereal. In fact, I’ve never even seen it, not in New York or my home state of New Hampshire. I figured it was a regional thing. Then my friend Hank, who is from Ohio and now lives in Los Angeles, said that he has never seen it either. I was in Oklahoma this week, and I looked in the supermarkets there. No King Vitaman. East Coast, West Coast, Great Lakes region, Bible Belt, I think this search has gone pretty far and wide. Where the hell is this monarch of misspelled nutrition?

This is Quaker Oats’ fifth best selling cereal (despite apparently being made of 100% vitamins and iron, which sounds terrible). But who is Quaker selling it to? Quaker is also holding back Honey Graham Ohs, which are delicious. I hate Quaker Oats. Stop coasting on the success of Life cereal and get your entire product line out there, damn it.

If you have ever eaten King Vitaman, which supposedly is still on sale, tell me when and where. I want to meet him. Or maybe I want to avoid him at all costs since he is pretty terrifying. Look, he made a crown out of spare spoons he found lying around, probably in prison. This is a deranged man.